swine flu rumour-mongering: some hot tips

Frankly,  I am amused by the hysteria and clueless paranoia – and all that hoopla around this swine flu virus.

But then, I agree that this is a great opportunity to spread unfounded and uncalled for rumours – and to liberally spread panic all over and generally run around like headless chickens, melancholically muttering mutt-headed muddle. In this age of the Internet, it is so easy and tempting to do this, so I jump in with my own, hard-earned 2 cents…

I have known very well that people like spreading improbable & half-baked  ideas. They have too much time in their hands (like someone we know).

But alas, many of them lack the brains to think about fantastic (im)possibilities and then infect the other like minded dumb folks with their ideas like the ‘imminent end of the world is fast approaching, sinners – so do more of sin.’

Hence, these clueless folks merely end up forwarding mails (containing banal and amusing things like ‘See for yourself this fantastic real photo taken from the North Pole, of Sun, Earth and the Moon together during a simultaneous solar and lunar eclipse’ kind of Photoshop images) and hearsays to one another, even without reading the subject line. The thing is that if they pause to read the subject lines (leave alone the body/text of the email/message), then, they won’t have the time to forward to their private collection of drooling nincompoops, the other 232 emails that have in turn been forwarded to them by other like minded cretins…

But then, gory, mortifyingl and spine chilling fear mongering requires some dollops of creativity. Here’s were I grandly step in to help my fellow travelers…

Anyway, to these fellow dumb folks, I dedicate these ideas & conversation pieces; unfortunately I had to restrict myself to the swine flu and its after effects, but then, you do get the drift, yeah?

  • This is a ploy of Barack Obama to divert the attention of the world from the wars at Iraq, Pakistan etc etc and Wallstreet fiascos.
  • This is a conspiracy hatched by the Bavarian Illuminati to dominate the world.
  • Actually H1N1 is a non-immigrant visa category (of USA) for virus and other lowly life forms to enter US – and not what you think.
  • The manufacturers of Tamiflu unleashed the virus, along with Center for Disease Control (CDC, Atlanta). Of course Atlanta, you know, is closely related to Atlantis, from where the Pyramid cult of 2012 has been predicting doom and destruction for the entire world, excepting of course, the Bermuda triangle & Pentagon.
  • Swine flu was actually predicted by the famous rock group Pink Floyd. Haven’t you heard their song ‘Pigs on Wings?’ I am sure Atom Heart Mother has hints on how to develop antidotes. 
  • Did you read the ‘Times of India’ noosepaper today? No, I am not talking about the Digambar Saints AKA the starlets, stardust & star-detritus of the Bombay film world, Silly! It seems most of the schools have declared a holiday to celebrate the arrival of the virus. What are the rest of the schools waiting for? Don’t you know that a holiday is a definite antidote for any illness? I think, we should pressurize our children’s school to down shutters. What? What do we do with Children? Easy-Peasy! We will switch on our TV sets at home!
  • Tamiflu manufacturers obviously want to make a killing and so are spreading the virus. Dirty capitalists. Yesterday, we had a visitor (he is a software pogrommer AND from IIT, you know)  from ‘States’ who confirmed this. (In spite of the software programmer and IIT angle, I personally rumour that this is a definite possibility – at least companies like Roche and our own Indian  Hetero, Ranbaxy & Cipla are likely to fuel the paranoia, if not the virus itself)
  • Swine flu virus was developed by the disgruntled communists in Russia, to destabilize the world capitalist system. Don’t you remember the times when all leftists were branded as ‘Communist Swine?’ Just wait till the Taliban unleash the scoundrel flu virus on the western powers… These  Taliban technolgists are already researching in Tora Bora about planting the virus in foxes living in the Bush and then sending the infected foxes through a Firefox plug-in to all Mozilla users and Google searchers! Of course everyone knows that these Taliban Binarycides are funded by Microsoft, to ensure eternal world damnation – Proof: Vista (windows) and Virus (swine) have three letters in common v-i-s and the rest of the letters make a–r-a-t which is again is ‘A Rat’ – we all know that rats are responsible for the spreading of plague, yeah? 
  • My doctor said that since this swine flu is a virus disease, we should have broad spectrum antibiotics administered immediately and this will solve all problems including the fiscal deficit of India. (actually this is not a rumour idea; many doctors in Bangalore actually give anti bacterial (anti biotic) medication for essentially virus spread diseases!)

 Ha Ha!

PS: pssst! If you want to spread more such gems of human devolution, please contact me. My normal hourly rates are high, but, I have a very special discounted rate especially for you because of two reasons:

Indian Independence day falls on 15th August, 2009 (!)

You obviously are a focussed rumour monger.

Rumouro Ergo Sum. 🙂

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Other health & swine flu related posts are here:  FAQs & HowTos: health, body, soul…

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Comments

  • santosh Patil  On August 31, 2009 at 1:18 am

    This site is very usefull & Inforative. I specially thanks to You,this Article is informative and also good content based on swine flu, which is the most current fear, everyone in minds. I really like this Article and also request to u that please keep it up….
    I have some important comment on swine flu which is available on this link http://www.jiyohealthy.com/2009/08/swine-flu-rumors-in-india and also tell your comments

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